21.12.14

a state of limbo


change.
i'm desperate for it.

there is a part of me that has always enjoyed being unsettled, that as if some part of my teenage years has made me find comfort in residing on shaky ground. like there is some kind of security in uncertainty.

it is a fair assumption to presume that the majority of the human race find their comfort in stability and routine. there are only a small minority that can quite happily live in a nomadic state, fleeting from place to place, finding home amongst the spiritual, the non-material. i like to think that i am one of those minority, but in reality that is hardly the case. i haven't experienced it in the way i dream of. i have never jumped in a car, filled with my belongings, and just followed the road with no clear destination in mind. one day i hope that i can do so - what a freeing experience that will be.

tim and i have been discussing travel recently (to be fair, travel is a constant conversation topic between us) and the places we want to see next. it changes weekly. one minute, i want to drop everything and go to thailand, bali, vietnam, cambodia, and pop in and see samantha heather in australia on the way. the next minute, we are planning our adventures through europe; paris, london, vienna, the greek islands, and everything in between.

our hearts and minds are in a constant state of limbo.
we are constantly caught between our wanderlust and the harshness of reality.

with tim now working in the travel industry, the intensity of our wanderlust has amplified. every day, he gets home from work with another place to add to our list. realistically, it will be at least another year and a half until we can pack up our things and say good bye to new zealand once again.

is it wrong that this saddens me so much?
whilst my identity will always be found in new zealand, my heart is in a permanent state of longing to be elsewhere.

i want to breathe in the icelandic air, feel the sand of cancun between my toes, and swim through the waterfalls of hawai'i.

i understand that in time, these things will happen, but i feel like i'm ready now. i want it badly - so badly that i often forget to appreciate the goodness that i have around me here and now. the stability and whole-hearted love that my brother, my sister-in-law and my gorgeous baby niece provide me. timothy joseph lord gonzales, and his constant and unfailing love and care. the incredible friends that i am so blessed to have, and the safety and privilege i have to live in this peaceful country.

i am thankful.
it would be shameful, selfish and greedy if i weren't.

i am thankful for this state of limbo, and for what it provides me.
so very, very, thankful.

7 comments

  1. i struggle with this too! kyle and i both have an incredibly long list of places we want to see together. it's good to dream, but it's also good to be content. a balancing act for sure!

    ReplyDelete
  2. i know how you feel. i wish i lived in a cooler place so we could house swap. if you ever want to come to Utah and hit the slopes, we will gladly switch with you hahaha. i was like two seconds away from working as a reservationist at jet blue just to get the free standby tickets hahahahaha. wanderlust is a serious disease!
    xoxo
    e
    emmyjake

    ReplyDelete
  3. That saying, "you always want what you can't have" always rings in my mind. I've always wanted to love somewhere cooler. I start dreaming about it. Then the husband and I take a trip to WA. Visit for a week or so and then miraculously, wanderlust is cured and I can't wait to get back home to sunny CA!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Your blog and photograph are just breathtaking, as well as this post. I feel exactly the same way.
    You have a new follower (:
    www.blacklongline.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  5. I feel exactly the same, it's so hard not to want everything all at once, we just need to be a little more patient and it will happen in time. I've just found your blog and the content and photography is beautiful, following for sure! xx

    Eärendil

    ReplyDelete
  6. I feel the same, I also crave wanderlust but stuck in the state of limbo. Your photos are just outwardly.
    http://clandestine-v.blogspot.com.au/

    ReplyDelete

© Ariana Leilani. Design by Fearne.